From Tweets to Twickers

On my way home from the gym this morning,  I saw a bumper sticker that cracked me up: "I child-proofed my house...but they STILL get in." Yeah, how about that?? The Mercedes wagon in front of me had two car seats in the back, so it's obvious they're definitely "in" and the luxury vehicle they thought they bought is nothing more than a playroom on wheels. Expensive wheels. Thinking of my own home, I conjured up images of waiting dishes in the kitchen, my son's room where Lego "Shanghai"he designed and built still covered 90% of the useable floor space, the trail of socks, underwear, shorts and toys spread from the garage to the hall to the living room.  I thought of the Scooter that I noticed in his bathroom earlier. How did that get there? His piles and piles of artwork, homework, crayons, markers, doodles, pencils, stencils and then, his report card came to mind.

Straight A's as it were, less the points for "Organizes well" and phys ed. My mind immediately played a montage (yes, my mind does montages...) of those awful bumper stickers Moms and Dads put on their cars: My son is on the Honor Roll...My Daughter is a Scholar at...My Daughter Sucks...oh what?? No, they don't say that.

In all candor, don't you just hate those bumper stickers that say "My Child is an Honor Student at..."? It usually just gives me something to snicker at while waiting at Stop lights. Just then something else hit me: we no longer need bumper stickers. Why? Because people look at the phones now when they are at a traffic light.

It occurred to me in this context that Twitter is the new bumper and all these catchy tweets are nothing more than bumper stickers. So in less than 140 characters, you too can now create what I will call "Twickers" that people can read on their phones and PDAs while idling at stop lights.

So from now on, I just may Twick and Tweet. Won't you join me?

Deviant Today / Acceptable Tomorrow

What is deviant today may be socially acceptable tomorrow. Take wearing pants. Women wearing them in the early 1900s were considered cross-dressing freaks, penalized and arrested for public indecency. Homosexuality, deviance or norm? Most would say "norm" I would venture to say.  Although some still consider homosexual behavior aberrant, countless others - countries and states included - have legally declared homosexuality to be a natural orientation and have made same-sex marriage legal. Men and women sleeping together before marriage. Abnormal? Not in the 2000s. But before the groovy 1960s, you betcha.  Today, co-habitation is what most couples do prior to marriage as a matter of course.

Want some other examples?

How about S & M? Sadomasochism involves two consenting partners -- one who wants to inflict pain and the other who wants to receive it.  Flogging, humiliation, torture -- are these "normal"? Well to some, yes. They think role-playing in dominant and submissive postures is fine.  Some even go as far as to claim it a “lifestyle.” Here’s another:  Necrophilia anyone? Sucking the toes of a dead corpse perhaps? Intercourse with a cold, hard body? Unthinkable deviance. Well, today’s immensely popular vampire love stories point to a growing romanticism of necrophilia and are nothing more than popularized tales of sex with the dead (or un-dead, as it were).

Abnormal behavior like fetishism and bestiality are joked about in public and practiced openly. Just open a sex magazine. Go online. Watch adult cable. It's right there, out in the open. De rigueur. 

Let’s be clear about something: Sexual deviance is nothing new. But we need to draw clear lines in the sand between sexual behaviors versus violence.  Sex is strange business.  What turns people on is an odd and often surprising amalgam of otherwise unthinkable conduct.  Taking “standard” sex further, if it is sadism, fetishism, submission or any other kind of non-standard sexual behavior and if it is within the context of mutual consent, it should not be mistaken for acts of sexual violence or aggression.  

We humans do end up popularizing behavior that was at one time deviant, even illegal.  But here’s the catch and the part that needs to be dealt with:  what happens in the future to those who are "accepting" the behavior now because they know no different? Or because they want to fit in? Or because they are so trusting of the person inflicting the pain that they believe it must be OK? Or because society is telling them it's "de rigueur"? Where does that leave the victims of today's deviant behavior tomorrow? What will we be saying in ten, twenty or thirty years from now about those who are being victimized in secret today for things society will deem either acceptable or acknowledgeable tomorrow?

Because the injurious acts take place in secret, with a devastating, even paralyzing, level of shame and humiliation attached, victims often sublimate these experiences into the depths of their psyches, into the farthest hinterlands of consciousness. For too many souls, it takes years and years for these experiences to come to light.

When partners are non-consenting, it is never all right. Sexual slavery is never alright. Children being made to perform acts on adults is never alright – not  in the past, now or in the future. Child sexual abuse should never be tolerated.

In light of the media frenzy surrounding sexual abuse on television, in print and online,  (NBC’s “To Catch a Predator,” the Sandusky trial at Penn State, “Prep School Predators” at my alma mater Horace Mann, in the Catholic church, in the Boy Scouts) what can we do to give solace to the victims of the past who are struggling today with horrors they endured back then? 

For certain, we need to make sure children are protected now and past victims find a way to have their day in court in order to bring their torturers to justice. Considering how long victims often take to find the courage to speak out, the statute of limitations are woefully short, inadequate and act as a barrier to justice. Reforming child abuse laws is imperative and the time frame for victims to come forward needs to be UNLIMITED.  New York needs to follow California’s lead and open a window for all victims to have a voice, if they want it. Or go as far as Delaware and Florida, two states that have eliminated the statute of limitations entirely.

WE CANNOT LET THE BEHAVIOR OF PREYING ON THE YOUNG AND THE NON-CONSENTING EVER BECOME TOLERABLE, EVER BECOME ACCEPTABLE.  MAKE SURE YOUR STATE IS ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

Predators Among Us

It's clear that sexual deviants -- predators-- come from all walks of life. We know them. They could be next door. They’re rarely the old, trench-coat wearing exhibitionists we were told they were way back when. I’ve seen statistics that confirm that 90% of sexual abuse victims know their abusers. More than not, they are men who befriend their victims. Fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncles, cousins, Mom's boyfriends, teachers, babysitters, priests.

It just seems that sexual deviance is so widespread, so pervasive in society that we may never be rid of the problem until we understand what really makes these abusers tick. Some food for thought and perhaps part of the healing is identifying behaviors that may indicate a leaning toward or predilection for predatory deeds. 

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, pedophiles, also referred to as serial child sex abusers, share certain characteristics and behaviors.

1.    He is usually an adult male, but some women also sexually abuse children.

2.    The abuser is often a past victim of child molestation himself.

3.    He seeks out children of the same age he was when he was victimized.

4.    He is often married and hard-working.

5.    Pedophiles are often employed within a wide range of occupations.

6.    They are usually well-liked and respected community members.

7.    He may be well-educated and a regular church-goer.

8.    He relates better with children than adults.

9.    Some prefer boys, some prefer girls.

10. He usually prefers a specific age group of children.

11. Pedophiles take and collect photographs of victims while dressed, nude or in sexual poses.

12. He may collect child-adult pornography.


Read more at Suite101: The Profile of A Pedophile: Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters | Suite101.com http://suite101.com/article/the-profile-of-a-pedophile-a50767#ixzz1yBashO6q


On Dads...and packing

They say that men have a hard time trying to figure out the female "mind." Well, truth be told, I've always spent a lot of time trying to figure out how the male brain works and why we have such differences. I'd like to say that I have discovered there is something men possess that women simply do not. Men are born with a packing gene. Let's call it the "Tetrus" gene, for in the game of Tetrus, each precise move determines the next and any single misplacement will cause instant failure. Dexterity is also a factor. After seeing my son be able to create a flying Lego invention of his own design, pretty much right after coming out of the womb, I can say with certainty: men are dexterous beings who know how to pack. Females simply do not possess this packing gene.

Every summer,  as part of the ritual of our yearly road and ferry trip to Martha's Vineyard, I recall my Dad getting us all up early. We needed to bring our suitcases downstairs so he could pack the old station wagon properly. You know those 1970s wagons - the size of a small boat? Every inch was carefully planned and calculated for maximum efficiency, including the open space left in the "way back" where my best friend Ellen and I would be cosseted among the suitcases, coolers, tennis gear and other paraphernalia for the six hour drive to the Cape.

Married now to an even more skillful packer than my Dad, I watch in awe as my husband methodically places every box, bag and chip into our Jetta in the Costco parking lot once a month. I am amazed at his skill placing suitcases in our Mini with impossible precision. He does it with such aplomb.

He has the gene. I certainly do not.

So, in anticipation and celebration of Father's Day coming up, I would like to say thank you to all those men who have packed me off to places unknown, adventures to conquer, supermarkets to home. My father, my husband, boyfriends, supermarket clerks, FedEx guys, my packer-in-training sons. Thank you all and Happy Father's Day!

Globe-trotting Nomads

         Re-connecting with so many high school friends following the Prep School Scandal article (see last two blog entries), I've been asked a couple of times how I was doing, what I was up to and what I've done since high school. 

         In a nutshell: I am an Urban Nomad. 

         My family and I are well and living in LA, where we've been for the past six years. My journey has been a crooked and globe-trotting one. I went from NY to Budapest to Miami, Mexico and Argentina, back to NY (upstate) and then onto Los Angeles. We should throw in a little bit of Greece there too, as my husband is from Athens and all his family is still there.

         Married 10 years ago, now I am surrounded by more male energy than I could even have imagined in high school. My stepson who just turned 24 is thankfully out of the house now and employed (yeah!), son 9 is in elementary school, husband Nick is also a peripatetic sort and two dogs (brother and sister) that go wherever we go.

         My career has been pretty successful in media and television, from beginning as a speechwriter for politicians back in the 80s to writing and producing music videos, behind-the-scenes videos, documentaries, on air promotions and lots of other things for so many I've lost count! 

         During the last decade my career took a more executive turn until the crash of 2009, when I, along with 200 others at our network, were "downsized." Spend a lot of time as community activist, particularly for education and kids and am turning that into something full-time, along with writing, which is my true passion.

         Have written a children's series, many screenplays, commercials, am working on a fact-based novel about the lives of two extraordinary families in the lower east side following them through all of last century…along with a kind of memoir, which funny enough, deals with a bunch of things that occurred during those HM days.

That's it in a nutshell…

Oh and we are moving to Miami over the summer!

The Horace Mann Community

    The communications between and among alumni of the Horace Mann School, following the release of Sunday's New York Times story on prep-school predators, has been remarkable. The astounding outpouring is indicative of the motto we all learned there: "Great is the truth and it prevails..." even if it takes awhile to come to light. Numbering in the thousands, the comments on the paper's site, among Facebook friends and in emails between fellow classmates, the notes of outrage,  emotional conflict, sadness, anger and support  point most interestingly to the strength of the community itself. 

    "Once an HMer, always an HMer" some say. We look out for each other. We have a common ground, a shared history that runs deep.. One of my high school friends came to this apt conclusion: we are the stewards of the school. It is up to us, as alumni, as stewards,  to help turn tragedy into opportunity. It is up to those who can to help not only shed light on the past but make a future path more traversable for the victims, for those hurting and those current students and alumni who may need help to make sense of this.
     Synchronicity is the appearance of two or more events that seem to occur together by chance.  It's really so interesting to me at this juncture, as I am about to change my career path entirely to focus on education, that this occurred now. In August, I begin a Masters/PhD program that specifically deals with social change in education and the behavior of "communities"  as they pertain to teaching/learning environments. Well if what has transpired in the last few days isn't right up that alley, I don't know what is. How's that for synchronicity? 

     I keep going over and over the whole thing from the perspective of the culture in which we thrived versus the culture of today. It's difficult to view the past through today's lens, as they are, for sure, not "apples to apples." Our days were marked by a unquenched thirst for freedom, independence, breaking stereotypes, going beyond boundaries -- intellectually, sexually, physically-- smashing mores and taboos. We questioned. We asked. We experimented. And some got hurt. 

     I just read some research on the fact that in educational studies, the "psyche" of adolescent girls in academia wasn't even covered as a subject until the 1990s. So what we all were going through in the 70s to early 80s was truly ground-breaking -- from breaking the paradigm of the one-gender school behavioral system to elevating girls in academia to the sexual revolution to trying to figure out what gender "equality" was all about. 

     Clearly there were black holes into which jumped some deviant opportunists, predators.

     This is all so very interesting and sad...yet it is setting the stage for a giant leap forward…

     Yes, we need to be the stewards.

   
     So fucked up isn't it?? But so, so powerful. 

The Horace Mann School for Boys

I attended the Horace Mann School for Boys for my last two years of high school. Yes, it still was called a "School for Boys" as they had not yet had time to change all their collateral material prior to their admittance of girls. That all changed during the first year of co-education in 1975. 


In tomorrow's Sunday New York Times magazine, the cover story is entitled "Prep School Predators: The Horace Mann School's Secret History of Sexual Abuse". 


The story was posted online a few days ago. A lame note disclaiming any responsibility ( as these events happened in the past, prior to the present administration)  went out to all alumni and parents prior to its publication. The avalanche of stories, support, horror, sadness and other emotions that have been streaming online ever since is quite extraordinary. It has churned up so many memories, so many emotions for all of us, clearly. In fact, it points more toward the strength of the bonds most HMers have felt. A kinship. A shared community. A lifelong bond for most of us.


Sadly, not for those who were abused.

I have to say that I have always proudly "worn" my HM badge, most importantly, for its significance to me as being one of twenty girls to graduate in its first co-ed class. One of twenty girls to have been part of an "old boys'" network, with all that that meant. It has helped and even defined my life's work, often at the forefront of a lot of situations where women were very few. It helped me in innumerable ways to compete and thrive in a man's world. And a big part of this was gaining a certain "street smarts" when people came onto you or acted in ways that were uncomfortable. It's really not "new" news, is it? I think this stuff has really gone on forever.

Girls have long been subjected to the kinds of things admitted in these discussion threads.  I got those same back rubs by teachers.  During my junior or senior year, my mentor at WNEW during an internship off-campus locked me in his office and started groping me. I was shocked. I demanded he let me out…and the shame of that was so unbearable that I never went back to that TV newsroom again. No teacher at HM even questioned why I left that internship, which they knew was so important to me.

One of the best parts about HM was the access to being in a "man's world." Being taught by all these old world "eccentrics" was par for the course-- and the most energizing aspect. Sadly, some of those "eccentrics" crossed the boundary into criminal behavior. 

Stories will be coming out from those abused. And I hope that those who have kept this inside for way too long will have the benefit of being able to find peace somehow-- through discussion, through shared history, through being able to vent. Others have already begun to comment on the "sexual hotbed" environment they assume it was. It was NOT that.

For the victims, being able to vent it is really cathartic and important. For those suffering any kind of abuse today, it is so important to share in order to dispel the shame.  But to think that it doesn't go on today is unrealistic. To think this only happened "back in the day", is silly. Human nature has a dark side. It will continue. It's just important that people can share and not feel that they cannot talk about it. Shame is a killer.